You Lie
by WolfeReid
Summary: Dr. Spencer Reid is acting weird...well weirder than usual.He makes a new friend named Brendon.But is he really his friend? Or is he an enemy. Spencer finds out the hard way which one. WARNING: LATER CHAPTERS WILL INCLUDE EATING DISORDERS AND SELF HARM
1. Weirder than usual

You lie

{ Chapter 1}

I,Doctor Spencer Reid,am not so great with people. Yeah, sure I can step back and see things that others missed, Detailed events in every crime scene. But talking to people,it's not my strongest point.I am socially awkward. I keep to myself and stay inside my own mind.I have my problems,my weaknesses, and my strengths. But, I am lonely and I can't take it anymore.

It was a dreary, rainy day in Quantico,Virginia as Spencer woke up for work. It was a monday morning, and he had barely got any sleep the night before. He mostly stayed up and read books or wrote down his thought's in a notebook. His mind was racing for days. He couldn't keep up with himself anymore.

He dressed himself, grabbed his bag, locked his front door and headed off to work. He didn't make eye contact with anyone on the way to work. He didn't know why he was acting this way. _ Maybe I'm paranoid...maybe now i'm becoming my mom...what if i did something and my brain doesn't want me to remember it, maybe that's why I'm feeling like this. _

[_I__t's because you're alone, because you have nobody_.]

Spencer's head snapped up from his gaze at his feet moving against the pavement. He could have sworn someone was whispering in his ears,he darted his eyes left to right. Before he knew it we was walking through the door's of the BAU. He walked to the break room and poured himself some coffee.

"Reid!"He heard someone yell and just assumed it was the voice he was hearing again.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and he jumped, almost dropping his cup. He turned to see Derek.

"Derk, don't do that," He growled.

"Well, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed." Derek said as he grabbed a cup for himself. Spencer continued to reach for the coffee pot and poured himself some coffee. He then realized he was shaking. "You ok, Reid?"

"Yeah," Spencer said in a hush tone. "I didn't have any breakfast, so I'm a little shaky." Spencer was still facing the counter as he watched Derek. Derek nodded as he poured himself some coffee as well..

"Well then bud, you better eat something okay?" Derek said. Spencer sharply breathed in and turned his head away from Derek as Derek patted his back, took a sip of coffee and walked out of the room.

[Everyone here treats you like a child.}

Spencer shook his head,this voice was like a parasite, it was going to suck him dry. Spencer took a huge sip of coffee, placed his cup in the sink and walked out of the break room. He quickly set his bag at his desk as he swiftly walked to the hall.

"Reid! Meeting room!" Derek yelled from the other side of the room.

"Bathroom!" He yelled back.

"What the hell was that about?" J.J said, she was at the doorway of the meeting room.

Derek leaned against the wall and said," I have no idea, he's acting weird," J.J shot him a glance. "Okay, weirder than usual."

Spencer made his way through the hallway to the men's bathroom. He busted open the door and walked to a sink. He turned on the faucet and splashed his face with water. _I'm losing it. I'm sinking into a state of mental instability. It's like I'm so smart that my brain is advancing ahead of me before I can catch up to it. I'm becoming a monster._Spencer looked at himself in the mirror. Water was still dripping from his face. He didn't even recognize his own face anymore. Spencer grabbed a paper towel and wiped off his fixed his clothes and walked to the meeting room.

**A/N- this is kind of a rough draft... im still trying to develop the story (obviously since it's only the first chapter :P). And this is not my first story, i have another account,AmberAshley but i couldn't remember my password and my email password...sooooooo yeah**


	2. I am your worst nightmare

_Is there a heart inside the night_

_I can feel its vital signs_

_The beat goes dry, and the spirit dies_

_I wanna dig this Tinseltown til it's six feet underground_

_It's safe to say that timing is everything_

_I wanna be free, I wanna be loved_

_I wanna be more than you're thinking of_

_Everything seems to be estranged when you're alone..._

_-Panic! at the disco_

* * *

"We have two missing people,from Nevada. The two people are husband and wife..." Rossi said. Spencer sat there, he wasn't really listening. He was too busy with doodling. Then it went quiet. "Reid?" Spencer looked up,all eyes on him. "Are you okay?" Rossi asked.

"Uhhh yeah, Sorry, I was thinking. His M.O could be married couples. So we should keep a lookout for any other married couples that may be his next target."

"Good idea Spencer, Garcia, get on it if in the past couple of months any other married couples have been killed and see if they have similar wounds,or anything in to keep an eye out for any other couples that could have similarities to this one. Those could be his next target."

"We better go so we can find this guy, before he does target anyone else. Wheels up in an hour." Hotch said, as always.

On the plane ride to Nevada, Spencer didn't look up from the book he was reading the whole time. Rossi had popped some popcorn and it made Spencer cringe. The smell was intoxicating to the inside of his nose. Rossi set down the bowl on the table, it caused Spencer to shift uncomfortably in his seat. He was being tested.

[Don't you dare.] The voice hissed in his ear. [Don't even look at it.]

Spencer looked up from his book._Spencer you are loosing it. _Spencer realized Morgan was staring at him,a concern look on his face. Spencer smiled his signature half smile at him, that smile was to reassure Morgan that he was fine.

The plane touched down and the team headed off to the LVPD. The team got settled and started their work.

Morgan's cell phone rang, he hit the talk button and held out the phone out for the rest of the team to hear. "Hey baby girl, what did you get?" Morgan asked.

"Hello my lovelies, ok I got 6 different crimes in the past year with some things in common with this couple that was killed. I ruled out 2 before that because those people had kids.I will keep looking deeper."

"Ok, keep us posted Garcia."

"Will do!" And with that the line went dead. Morgan hung up and put the cell phone in his pocket.

And with that the team went off to work. Spencer decided to stay behind with J.J and look at the evidence. Spencer tried to map out the killers routes, to see if he could piece together if all these couples that had been killed lived closed to each other. After an hour of doing this he became lethargic. His stomach let out a big growl.

J.J laughed, "Spence, why don't you take a break, get something to eat."

Spencer pursed his lips. "Okay." He said as he pushed out his chair and stood up. Instead of getting something to eat, Spencer walked to the bathroom. The bathroom was full of stalls,it had a blue tiled floor and the wallpaper to match. Spencer turned on the facet for the sink. He splashed warm water on his face. He grabbed a paper towel and dried his face.

"They treat you like a little kid." A voice said. Spencer looked up into the mirror and behind him, saw someone staring back at him. Spencer turned around and stared at the man,if this man was even real. He was too good looking to be real. He had jet black hair that was slicked back, a trim figure; muscular yet still thin. He had lips that would make anyone, girl or boy swoon. He was wearing skinny jeans and a button up black shirt.

"Who...who are you?"Spencer asked.

"I am your worst nightmare." The man said back.

* * *

After what felt like hours Spencer finally got the courage to ask him something else.

"I mean what is your name?" Spencer asked.

"I'm Brendon. I am what you want to be. I am your fears,your regrets, and your desires."

Spencer took a minute to process what this hallucination was saying. "You are not there. I must more hungry than i thought..."

"No!"Brendon shouted. "You are not hungry, you are weak. I am here because you are lonely. Because you have no self control. Your mind is too advanced, so advanced that you are overthinking this, overthinking everything. You can't keep your thoughts straight. You don't know if your thoughts are even your own anymore."

Spencer's mind was racing. Or Brendon's thoughts were racing through Spencer's head. Just then there was a knock on the bathroom door.

"Reid? Are you ok in there?" Hotch said from the other side of the door.

"Um, yeah i'm just trying to clear my head. " Spencer said as Brendon smiled devilishly at him

"Alright, just do what you have to do to get that brain of yours working."

Brendon waited until he heard Hotch's footsteps fade away. "Always checking in on the baby of the don't appreciate use you."

"Shut up." Spencer spat.

"Think about it Spencey, when they faked Prentice's death,even Rossi had it figured out. They didn't care enough about you to tell you the truth."

"I'm not listening to you." Spencer said as he walked past Brendon to the walked out of the bathroom to the rest of team. Where he could feel somewhat sane.

* * *

**A/N-I'm so glad so many of you are following/faving this story! I already have a sequel in mind for it! hahaha,but don't worry, this story will have plenty more chapters I'm just getting warmed up! Oh and i put the brackets around what Brendon says when he is inside Spencer's mind. So you know when he is in Spencer's mind or out talking to him in "person".**

*******Oh and thanks to 'Everyday im shuffling' for reviewing!:-)***********


	3. Doughnuts and Insomnia

2 weeks later...

**BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP**

Spencer moaned at the sound of the blood curdling beeping blaring from his alarm clock. Spencer's heart was pounding in his head as he slapped his hand on the alarm to turn it off. _Grrrrrroooowwwl. _Spencer clutched his stomach. It was hungry. But it wasn't getting any food. _You don't deserve to eat. You are so ugly._ Brendon hissed in his ear. Spencer violently shook his head to get the voice to shut pushed back the covers of his bed and sat up. His head was spinning and his head was pounding harder. Spencer gathered all of his strength and got out of bed, he shuffled to his kitchen, opened a cabinet and grabbed a large coffee cup. He went to his fridge and grabbed a pitcher of water. He filled the giant coffee cup with cold water. He chugged the hold cup of water down. It seemed to subside his stomach, for now.

Spencer arrived at work then sat down in the meeting room. He waited for the rest of the team to get here. He assumed they were wasting their time with eating breakfast. As Spencer sat there wanted to scratch off his skin so he could peel off his itchy fat. He was thinking of all the ways he could do so. He felt anxious, his leg bouncing up and down underneath the table. He wanted to run as fast and as far as he could so the ugly fat would melt away.

Just then Garcia walked in. A huge smile on her colorful face. Spencer panicked when he saw what she was carrying, a big pink box filled with doughnuts. "Good morning love," She chirped.

Spencer faked a smile. "Hello,"

"Doughnut?" Garcia asked as she shoved the box in his face. Spencer's mouth was watering. Brendon was standing on Spencer's otherside. _Are you actually thinking about it? _ Brendon chuckled.

Spencer sweetly smiled at Garcia. "No thanks," Brendon petted Spencer's head and Spencer ignored him.

"Oh, okay. Well, I'm going to set them here if you want one later." Garcia said as she set them down in the middle of the table.

Moments later the rest of the team filled the room. No matter how many people were in the room, Brendon was right next to Spencer, like an annoying little leach. Hotch started talking and Spencer wasn't listening. Brendon was too busy filling his head with hate.

Later that day Spencer was at his desk working on some stuff when J.J came up to him Brendon was sitting on the edge of Spencer's desk, watching his every move like a hawk.

"Hey Spencer," J.J said.

Spencer looked up from his computer and smiled at her. "Hey J.J what's up?" He asked.

J.J pursed her lips. "Nothing, I was just checking up on you." She said with a smile and walked away.

_Checking up on the baby of the team, since you obviously can't take care of yourself. _Brendon hissed in his ear. Spencer waved his hand by his ear, trying to get rid of the annoying fly named Brendon buzzing in his ear.

Spencer dropped his bag on the floor of his apartment when he walked through the door. Spencer's whole body ached. He slammed his front door and plopped down on his couch. Brendon strolled over to the armchair next to the couch. Spencer never wanted to leave his couch. Ok,that was a lie. He wanted a diet soda. He needed something light in his stomach so he could breath and yet still have this lightness to him. Spencer got up off his couch, bones and joints cracked here and there.

Spencer came back from the kitchen with a cold diet soda in his hand and a book in the other. Spencer smiled, no sight of Brendon anywhere. Spencer sat down on the couch, he opened the can of soda and a pop came from the bottom of the tab. The can fizzled and popped as Spencer put the can to his lips. The soda slid down his throat and esophagus with ease. Spencer took in a deep breath, he could finally breath again. He wasn't as tense as before and he felt like he could do anything now.

Hours later of reading and sipping diet soda, Spencer realized he was cold and tired. He placed his book on his coffee table and walked into his bedroom. He slipped off his clothes and slipped into his pajamas. He got underneath his warm covers and tried to sleep. But he couldn't. Brendon wasn't even around, and yet somehow Spencer knew he was watching him. He couldn't close his eyes, they burned too much. He couldn't move, his bones were stiff as ice. His head was reeling and he felt like he was going to puke up the diet soda he drank. Spencer's lungs and heart hurt. His heart was beating violently in his ears. He felt weak and so tired. But if he was so tired, why in the hell couldn't he fall asleep. Insomnia and Brendon were fighting in the corner of his mind. Brendon didn't want him eating, but Insomnia also wanted him to stay up. If he stayed up he would eat. If he ate he would fall asleep. He would be betraying them both. He couldn't figure out how to shut them both up. He laughed at himself. He was so smart, yet couldn't figure out how to shut up these voices in his head.

Hours more had passed and Spencer spent all of them tossing and turning. He needed to sleep to get up for work, but if he ate he would surely rip off his own flesh. But if he didn't eat he would not get a wink of sleep. He refused to get out of bed. If he got out of bed, everyone would lose this game they were all willing to so desperately win. Spencer wasn't sure if he was more on Brendon's side or Insomnia's side. Brendon was more important than sleep. Wasn't he?

* * *

A/N-hey! sorry this took so long. If there are any grammar errors or punctual errors,sorry about that. i feel like Spencer i barely ate today and im soo very tired. College is a such a bitch.

Read and review please! Thanks guys, more soon.

~Amber


	4. Nails for breakfast, tacks for snacks

_Something make my chest stir_

_Something make my head blur_

_I'm not ready for a handshake with death, no_

_I'm just such a happy mess, whoa_

_The drums are four on the floor_

_She's back to the bathroom for one more_

_I'm the invisible man_

_Who can't stop staring at the mirror, at the mirror_

_I want to make you as lonely as me_

_So you can get, get addicted to this,_

_You can get, get addicted to this now_

- Pavlove by Fall out boy

* * *

Spencer woke the next morning, his eyes looking up at the ceiling. He managed to get some sleep, but his eyes were burning. Spencer pushed back his covers and his stomach growled in hunger causing him to wince. Spencer got out of bed, shuffled himself to bathroom and looked in the mirror. He looked awful; hair disheveled, bags under his eyes, chapped lips, and a sunken in face.

_Morning sunshine. _Spencer sighed as he looked to his left. There was Brendon, all smiles, sitting on the side of the tub. _Aww what's wrong baby boy? Had a rough night?_

"Shut up," Spencer spat.

_Oh, someone gets cranky without his beauty sleep. _

Ignoring Brendon,Spencer turned on his heels and walked out of the bathroom. He walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. His stomach was practically crying for him to eat something. Spencer could feel Brendon staring at him. He eventually shut the fridge and walked back into his room to get ready for work. Brendon happily followed him and sat down on his bed.

Spencer looked at himself in his dresser mirror. Why couldn't he look like Brendon? Looks never mattered to Spencer before, but being around all of these good looking men (Hotch,Rossi and Morgan...especially Morgan) all the time, it lapped his views on how he should look. _You have brains Spence, Why not have looks too? _Brendon said listening in on his thoughts. Brendon was right. Spencer huffed as he got down on the floor and started doing sit ups. Brendon counted the number of situps Spencer did as he walked around him.

"Sorry I'm late." Spencer said as he bolted into the meeting room of the BAU. He was a hot mess; shirt not tucked in all the way, hair messy, buttons on his sweater in the wrong button hole and his shoes were untied.

The whole room was quiet, with confused looks on their faces. "It's alright," Hotch finally said. Spencer clumsily walked to his chair and sat down. Once the meeting was over, Hotch asked him to stay behind. "I know you're not okay. Coming in late to work, being distracted, and you look...you look like you got dressed in the dark." Hotch said with a chuckle. Spencer glared at him and he stopped. "Sorry, I know this is no time for jokes Spencer, but there is something wrong."

"No, there is not." Spencer said firmly.

Hotch sighed. "You would tell me or any other team member if there was," Spencer nodded. "alright. Just be safe okay? This team is a family, if one of us goes down we all do." Hotch patted him on the shoulder and walked out the room. Spencer pushed his glasses further up his nose with his index finger and walked out the room. He placed his bag at his desk and quickly walked to the bathroom. Once in the bathroom, Spencer walked to a mirror and he cringed. He looked worse than he thought. But it was worth it.

_It was. You can do more tonight. Thank gosh you guys don't have a case today. _

Just then there was a knock on the door. "Spencer, we got a case." J.J said from the other side of the door. _Crap, I spoke too soon _Brendon said as he helped Spencer fix his hair and clothes.

"Alright, I'm just trying to look like I didn't get dressed in the dark." Spencer replied.

J.J laughed. "Alright we are leaving in thirty." She said as Spencer heard her footsteps fade away.

_You can do this. Okay? _Brendon said, reassuring Spencer. _I'll be here the whole time. _ Spencer was shocked, this was the first nice thing he had said to him since he showed up.

"Why are you being so nice?" Spencer whispered.

Brendon smiled as he leaned closer to Spencer. _Because, I'm the only one you can trust, the only one you need, and your only real friend. Don't listen to your so called 'family'. They do not know shit, they think they do, but trust me they have no idea. _

In the air the team went over the case, figured out what to do when they landed and had an hour or so to spare. Spencer was drinking his 3rd cup of coffee. He had a cup after leaving the bathroom, another when they go on the plane and was now working the the 3rd. He gulped down the last final sips, got up and put his cup in the sink. The first cup was so he wouldn't get hungry, the last two where because of the fresh muffins on the plane. The smell was intoxicating. Spencer fiddled with his hands, trying to keep them busy. He leaned against the counter and before he could think he snatched one.

_What in the hell are you doing? _Brendon growled. Spencer didn't answer, he put the muffin to his lips and took a bite. Spencer had a mini mouthgasm. It was like his taste buds had been tasting food for the first time. Bite after bite was a wondrous slap of mouth watering heaven. Spencer scarfed down the muffin and grabbed another. _FUCKING ASS, SPENCER. _Brendon shouted. Spencer looked over at him, he had a vein popping out of forehead. _ Do you want to look like an ugly nerd your whole life?_ Nothing was phasing Spencer. He just took a bite of the new muffin and ignored Brendon. He was happily doing so until his stomach started hurting. Brendon smiled with narrow eyes. _All of that food in your stomach feeling heavy Spencer? _Spencer's stomach was reeling. He quickly went into the jets bathroom and kneeled in front of the toilet. _Stick your fingers down your throat. It will make everything come up. _Brendon was right, he had to, it would come up on it own or he would feel guilty for eating the muffins in the first place. Spencer shoved his two fingers down his throat and he felt the food and coffee rush up from his stomach passed through his esophagus out his mouth. Coffee and chewed up muffins swirled around in the toilet. Spencer got a rush, a high. His heart was pounding and his fingers were cold. He felt slightly dizzy, but it was a nice feeling. He stuck his fingers down a few more times, causing more and more food to come up until only stomach acid and water came up.

Spencer flushed the toilet and watched the food swirl around then down the drain. Spencer washed off his hand, they were dripping with his saliva and the muffins. He then gurgled some water and wiped off his face. Spencer emerged from the bathroom and everyones eyes was on him.

"Plane sickness." Spencer said awkwardly as he sat down in his seat.

_Really smooth,Spence._ Brendon said as he sat down next to him. _These next few days are going to be so long. _

* * *

A/N- Hey! Sorry i haven't updated in what almost 2 months! I didn't even realize! I'm so busy with my classes and with work. i just got a puppy and hes a handful, so I've barely had time to breath. Sorry if this chapter is boring, I just didn't want any of you to think I had given up on it! Plus, i have to write the boring parts to get to the good parts :) Your reviews have kept me motivated (thank you!) so keep them coming! :D Sorry if there are any errors, i was reading my Psych book and watching a show while writing this :/ I have to multitask to get things done (unfortunately).**As for Brendon, I want him to seem human and realistic, but still be in Spencer's head. That's why I don't use quotations and just use Italic. Just in case anyone was wondering! :)**

~Amber


	5. Don't even think of eating

_Innocence. _

_Sunk the glow and drowned in covers, _

_send for all your absent lovers things. _

_Sheepish Wolves. _

_Looking lived in eating buttons, _

_Wink, just don't put your teeth on me. _

_Accidents. _

_Let the evening in the backdoor, _

_filled the room ceiling to the floor. _

_Beat backbones. _

_Grazed the poem and made it strange, _

_I wasn't born to be a skeleton._

-She's a handsome woman by Panic! at the disco

* * *

The team arrived in Massachusetts for their case, it was very cold and dreary. Spencer couldn't help but feel out of place. Usually went they went to another state for a case, he was already looking up the unsubs possible location based on his previous attacks. But this time was different, this time he was sluggish and grumpy. He just wanted to go to the hotel and sleep. Spencer was sitting at a table in the police department. It took him a minute to even remember the town they were in, Rockland.

_ Having a hard time getting that big old brain to work? _Brendon asked.

The rest of the team came into the room talking but at the site of Spencer they got quiet, like he was a ghost. Hotch whispered something to the team and all of them left the room, except for Hotch. He walked over to Spencer and sat down next to him. Hotch could see Spencer was tired; bags had formed under his young eyes, he was barely moving and he was shivering.

Hotch drew in a deep breath and then said, " Spencer, the team and I are worried about you."

Spencer sat up straight, cleared his throat and then said, "What do you mean?"

"Is something going on?" Hotch asked. That was a mistake.

"Hotch, you just answered a question with a question, that means you're avoiding to tell me something."

Hotch thought for a moment. "We are worried about you because you have lost a lot of weight. You are tired, sluggish and you aren't on top of your game anymore. "

Spencer had to play this right. "I am fine. I just have had a very hard past month. And yeah, I'll admit I haven't been eating as much as I should. But that doesn't mean something is wrong."

"Are you doing drugs again?"

"Are you serious Hotch?" Spencer said flatly.

Hotch couldn't argue with him, they would both be there all day. "Alright," Hotch sighed. " just please tell me if something is. We can't afford to lose you."

_ Of course they can't._ Brendon said. _ They just want you to admit something is wrong. _Hotch got up and walked out of the room, leaving Spencer alone, or at least that's what he thought. Brendon was sitting next to Spencer, Brendon was the reason he couldn't get anything done. All Brendon did for the past two hours was talk about how ugly the police station was. Spencer ran his fingers through his hair. After he did he felt something on them, he looked at his hands and his heart dropped into his stomach, it was chunks of his hair. He shot up from his chair and walked out the room to find Hotch.

Spencer somehow convinced Hotch that he couldn't concentrate at P.D, and convinced letting him go back to the hotel early. Spencer figured he let him, especially since the team was worried about the him, the baby of the team. Once Spencer got to the hotel, he went straight to his room. He shut the door and locked it behind him. He sat down on the bed, elbows on his knees and his face buried in his hands.

_Need a friend?_ Brendon asked.

"Go away," Spencer mumbled.

_No thanks. I'll stay right here. _ Brendon said as he sat next to Spencer. Spencer looked up from his hands and saw Brendon, clear as day sitting right next to him. Spencer's stomach was growling. _Don't even think of eating. _ Spencer wanted to cry, but if he did Brendon would bitch about him being weak and spineless. _ You can't keep doing this, thinking about food. _Now Brendon was right in front of Spencer, right in his face. _ It's just going to make everything else harder. Get the thought of the F word out of your head. Thinking about it will make you go crazy, you will end up binging and feeling guilty then purge. After that you will feel dirty and want to do it all over again. _ Brendon's brown eyes were big and wide, looking right into Spencer's eyes. As if he was looking through him, like he was the one that wasn't there.

Spencer sighed, "You're right. I'll just drink coffee, water and tea."

Just then there was a knock on the door. Spencer's heart shot into this thorat. "Reid?" It was Morgan. Spencer got up off the bed,walked to the door and opened it.

"Yeah?" He said groggily.

Morgan peaked inside the room he didn't see anyone that he could possibly be talking to. "You are you talking to?"

_Tell him it was your doctor. _Brendon said quickly in his ear. "It was my doctor."

Morgan looked at Spencer with an 'I don't believe you' glare. "Really?"

Spencer nodded. "Yup I need some blood work done and can't eat anything for 12 hours."

_You're getting better at this. _Brendon said with a smirk on his face.

Morgan nodded slowly. "Alright, anyways I was just checking up on you," _Of course he is, cause he has to feel like a man checking in on you. _ "get some sleep okay?"

Spencer happily smiled as he nodded. "I will, thanks." Morgan nodded as he starting walking away. Spencer waited for him to go into his room, ducked out of the hall and shut his door. Spencer shuffled over to the bed, he didn't even bother to change his clothes, and flopped down on the bed. The second he his the bed, he fell fast asleep.

* * *

A/N- Hope you guys liked this one. Thanks for all the great reviews! Those keep me motivated, so keep them coming!

~Amber


	6. Deep Cuts

Spencer woke the next morning, his head pounding and his stomach growling. There was no sign of Brendon anywhere. Spencer hopped out of the hotel bed and stretched. Just then there was a knock on the door. Puzzled, Spencer walked over to the door and opened it. It was a hotel employee with a moving cart, that had a huge silver food cover on top of a plate, and a giant cup of coffee. Spencer could already tell what food was under the cover before even lifting it; pancakes, bacon and eggs.

The employee smiled at Spencer and said, "Your team ordered this for you Doctor," Spencer didn't know what to say as he watched the 20-something year old boy push the cart into the room. Why was everyone around him so good looking? This boy looked like he should be a model, not an employee at a hotel. The employee's name tag said his name was Tommy. Tommy nodded once at Spencer and said, "have a nice day and enjoy," he walked out the room, shutting the door behind him. Spencer sighed, a huge weight seemed to be on his shoulders. He walked over to the cart and a little envelope was sitting next to his coffee. The envelope said REID on it in big letters. It was J.J's hand writing.

Spence,

We are worried about you. Please please eat. We know its more complicated than that, but please, for me? I can't stand to see you like this. The team and I know something is up. After you eat, come to my room. All of us will be in there,we need to talk to you.

-Jayj

"Crap," Spencer said after he finished reading the note. He looked up and saw Brendon sitting on his bed.

_You aren't really going to eat all of that? _Brendon scoffed at Spencer.

"I...I don't know," Spencer admitted.

_I don't think that's a good idea._

"Me either," Spencer mumbled as his stomach growled with anger. "but I have to...they will know,"

_How? _Brendon questioned as he stood up from the bed and started walking over to Spencer.

"Maybe I should eat just to get them off my back..."

_NO. _Brendon practically shouted. _You can't let them get to you like this. For now it will be Breakfast, but later they will invite you to dinner. Then tomorrow do the same thing. And when you go back home, they will be begging you to stay with them, so they can keep an eye on you. _ Brendon was whispering in Spencer's ear.

"What if I eat and purge..." Spencer said, trying to reason with him.

Brendon stood there, violently shaking his head. _You will just end up eating and purging again later. _

Spencer's stomach growled and he clutched his stomach. The smell of the food was just lingering under the cover, waiting to escape. Spencer nervously licked his lips, pursed them and bit them repeatedly. His fingers were dancing around on his hand, unsure of what to do. After a minute of weighing his options he decided to grab the cup of coffee and sit down in the only chair in the room. He sipped slowly his coffee, taking in the flavor and feeling of it dropping down into his empty stomach. It warmed him, his whole body felt like it was emerged into a tub of warm water. He felt like he could breath finally.

After Spencer finished his coffee, he took the food that on the plate and threw it in the trash. He quickly got undressed, he looked in the bathroom and smiled. Right next to the toilet was a small digital scale. He stepped on and the numbers of his worthiness flashed in front of him,he was 150 pounds. He had mixed feelings about this.A month and one week ago he was at 160. He knew he was originally at about 140, but because of all the holidays and going over everyone's house, all of those calories added February (it was April) , he ate so much on valentines day, he had to fill that empty void in his life with something. Spencer got stepped off the scale and ready to go to J.J's room. He would have gotten ready faster, but he kept getting dizzy.

"Spence," J.J beamed as she gestured for him to come in.

Spencer flashed her a quick smile as he walked in, Brendon trailing along behind him. "So what's going on?" He asked as he looked at his team. Morgan was sitting on J.J's bed, Hotch, Rossi and Prentiss were sitting in comfy looking, leather chairs.

"Come sit down,kid," Morgan said. Spencer's rage started to flare. _ There it is again,kid. _Brendon hissed in his ear. Spencer walked over to the bed and sat down. Morgan slapped a hand on his back and said, "we are worried about you kid." Morgan said sincerely.

"You haven't been eating, you are acting weird..." Hotch said trailing off.

"More weird than usual..." Prentiss noted.

Hotch nodded, " you have become very secretive."

"We know something is wrong." J.J said sweetly.

"Nothing is wrong. I've been watching my weight, is that a crime?" Spencer asked.

"No." Morgan said slowly.

"From the holidays, being over everyone's house for dinners and parties. I gained some weight, so, I'm just watching what I eat."

Silence. The whole room unsure of what to say next. After what felt like hours, J.J said, "Well, we better get back to work."

"Okay, I will meet you guys back at P.D." Spencer said as he shot up off the bed and hurriedly walked to the door. He opened the door, slammed it behind him and swiftly walked back to his room. Spencer entered his room, slammed the door and ran his hands through his hair.

_Man they are really trying to stick their noses where they don't belong. _ Brendon said as he leaned against the door. Brendon was right, he was always right. Spencer quickly walked over to his bag and pulled out a razor blade. He kept it, tucked away, just incase he needed it. He rolled up his sleeve, took the blade and formed deep cuts vertically across his inner left arm. He pursed his lips as the blade dug into his skin. Blood bloomed from his skin once the blade finished its cut. Spencer made four more cuts, he kept them up close to his elbow. Spencer felt alive, like he could feel real again. The blood started to drip down his arm, he hastily grabbed tissues from the side table and held them to his skin. The cuts burned,searing pain when he pushed down more on them.

Spencer pulled the bloody tissues from his arm, they looked like a bloody rorschach test. He grabbed clean tissues and balled them in the clean ones He balled up the clean ones,threw them in the toilet and flushed. He rinsed off the dry blood on his arm and dried it off. He tucked his hair behind his ears as he looked in the mirror. His cheeks were huge, like a chipmunk. His arms were flabby and fat. He buried his face in his hands.

_At least you feel real now. _Brendon whispered in his ear.

* * *

A/N- Sorry this took so long! Thanks for all the great reviews :)


	7. Snooping and Sangria:Part1

a/n-Sorry this took so long. my finals are this week so I've been busy with studying and working on my other story. There will be two parts of this chapter, because i want to keep you guys guessing :) And no, this wont end up as Slash...I'm getting together ideas for a slash of Morgan and Reid though, so look out for that!

Oh, and some words are missing, I was having trouble with this on my other story too. I'm not sure if it's because I use Google Docs and Fan fiction doesn't like that or...it just doesn't like me. I tried to fix it but it never updated it...Trust me, I'm not very happy about it. I like using Google Docs, cause then I can be anywhere that has the internet and just type from there. And I don't have Microsoft word on my computer(I've wiped the hard drive many times, i had it for a while...but it didn't come with a backup CD. And ha im in college, even with a discount it's still like 130 dollars, I don't have that kind of money)So...Okay, enough of my rambling...

* * *

Spencer got to the crime scene after he had cleaned up his wrist. It was cold in Massachusetts so he wore long sleeves, even though he always did. Spencer was starting to get a headache. He stepped out of the car and everything started to spin. He had to stop walking, close his eyes and take a deep breath.

"Spence?" He heard. It was J.J's voice. He opened his eyes, and there she was, standing in front of him. J.J always looked good, always so put together. Her hair was down, straightened, and shiny. She had barely any makeup on, she didn't really need it, she always looked had on a tiny blue sweater with a V-neck,grey slacks and black high heels. A pang of jealousy set in Spencer's stomach. He wanted to be like her or Morgan, always so confident, no matter what they did. They were both so perfect.

"Yeah?" He answered, his head still spinning.

J.J had a concerned look on her face, the one she usually gets right before a case. "Are you okay?" she asked. She paused and waited for an answer. Spencer just stood there. "did you eat the breakfast we sent you?" she continued. Spencer was still quiet, he looked down at his feet and kicked the dirt. "I'll take that as a no," J.J answered for him.

"You would be correct," Spencer informed. J.J stood there, mouth agape. She opened and closed it a few times, trying to come up with a rebuttal. "J.J, just leave me alone," Spencer announced."I am not in the mood today," He brushed past her and continued to walk to the crime scene.

Morgan walked over to J.J, a steamed Spencer walking past him. Morgan turned to J.J. "He didn't eat did he?"

J.J shook her head. "Nope," J.J sighed. "I wish he would tell us what's wrong. He seems so distant lately."

"He looks like he could break in half," Morgan said in a sad tone. It was killing him that his best friend wasn't telling him what was troubling him. "and we can't force him to eat, like we did this morning."

"Yeah, we didn't really think that through..."

"We should just let him tell us when he's ready."

J.J wasn't too fond of that pursed her lips. "I'm afraid he's hurting himself..."

Morgan put his hands on J.J's forearms,trying to comfort her "If it comes to that, then we will help. But right now we can't do much Jayje. He has to tell us himself." He was giving her his 'you know I'm right' stare.

J.J nodded, "Yeah, you're right."

Morgan took his hands off her arms. "I know," he grinned.

* * *

Once the case was solved, and the team got back to Quantico at around 2:30 in the afternoon, Spencer rushed home right away. He knew the team would try to baby him and would want him to go to dinner with them, or try some other lame excuse to get him to eat. When Spencer arrived home, he set his bag down by the door, kicked off his shoes and plopped down on his couch. His stomach growled in protest from moaned in pain.

_The pain is worth it._ Brendon said. He was sitting next to him, he looked even more handsome than usual. Spencer hated and yet, was totally trusting towards him. "Brendon," Spencer asked.

_Hmm? _

"Does this empty feeling ever go away?" Spencer asked.

_It will, eventually. You will get to a point where you won't even feel hunger anymore. _

"I can't wait for that feeling."

Brendon laughed. _You still have a long way to go. _

Spencer sighed. "I guess I could work out more, gain some muscle."

_Yes! There you go! The genius finally gets it!_

"I have no goddamn control," Spencer sighed. He started to lightly laugh, shaking his head back and forth. "I have such a high intelligence, yet I'm an idiot when it comes to control."

Brendon patted him on the back. _That, my friend, is why you have me. To help you keep control of things._

"I'm calling Morgan," Spencer said as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone.

Brendon gave him a weird look._Why on earth would you do that._

"'I'm going to ask him to come over, and go out to eat." Spencer said with a sly smile on his face as he put his phone to his ear.

"Hey Pretty boy,what's up?" Morgan asked.

"Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to go out for dinner?"

Morgan was quiet for a moment, then said, "Yeah, sure. I...uh...I'll come pick you up."

Spencer hit end on his phone and waited.

_What the hell is this all about?_ Brendon demanded.

"You will see," Spencer whispered.

* * *

About a half an hour later, Morgan got to Spencer's apartment. Spencer ran down the steps of his apartment, into the lobby and exited through the front doors. Morgan was in his car looking down, he was probably texting. Spencer opened the passenger side door,got in and slammed the door shut.

"Hey there,"Morgan said looking up from his phone.

"Hey," Spencer said trying to sound happy.

"Where do you want to go?" Morgan asked. He put his phone down, and he shifted into drive.

"Umm...doesn't matter to me." Spencer responded as he buckled his seatbelt.

Morgan started to drive, he wasn't sure what was up with Spencer. Earlier that day he was cranky and distant, now he wanted to have dinner with him? It just wasn't adding up. Morgan wanted to find out what in the hell was going on in the boy's head. He was sluggish, snappy and didn't really talk that much anymore. Maybe it was a girl? Or maybe he didn't like working as a profiler anymore.

"So, how have you been?" Morgan asked.

"You just saw me two hours and thirty-four minutes ago," Spencer answered.

Morgan shrugged. "Well, yeah. But all we really did was talk about the case. I mean how are you?"

Spencer was tempted to roll his eyes at the older agent. "I've been okay,"

"Anything new going on?"

"Not really?" Spencer sighed. He was started to regret asking him to dinner in the first place.

Morgan was silent for a moment, then said, "Let's go to Olive Garden. They have some great drinks there."

Spencer nodded. He knew pretty much every menu there was. He knew the calories, fat, sodium and more for each meal at any restaurant. He was glad he had done so or he would be freaking out.

Once at the restaurant, they found a parking spot, parked Morgan's Audi and walked into the restaurant. It wasn't very crowded, but then again it was a Tuesday night. They got seated almost right away, they followed the waitress and sat down.

"What can I get you guys to drink?" She asked.

"Can we get a pitcher of Berry Sangria?" Morgan asked. Spencer's eyes got wide. A pitcher of it was 910 calories, and a glass was already 230 calories.

"And some water..." Spencer added.

The waitress nodded as she jotted down the drinks. "I'll give you guys some time to look at the menu." She smiled as she walked away. The waitress appeared again moments later and set down two glasses of water then walked away.

Morgan picked up a menu and handed Reid one. "I already know what I'm getting." Spencer said.

Morgan chuckled as he set down the other menu. "Let me guess, you already have it memorized." Spencer nodded in response. Spencer watched Morgan open the menu and look through it. Morgan didn't take very long to decide, moments later he set down the menu and looked up at Reid. "So, why did you want to come out to dinner?" Morgan asked.

"I wanted to spend time with my best friend." Spencer smiled..

"This morning you were distant and cranky. It's like you did a 180."

"I was just stressed, it is work." Spencer replied. "I just wanted a break from being stuck in my apartment or at the BAU. Is that a crime?"

Morgan shook his head but before he could say anything else, the waitress walked over, placed down a small bowl of bread and the pitcher of sangria and got out a pen and paper. "Are you two ready to order?" She asked.

"I'll have the Chicken & Gnocchi soup please." Spencer said.

_Calories, 250. Not a bad choice. _Brendon approved. The waitress quickly jotted down the order and turned to Morgan.

"And I'll have the Fettuccine alfredo." Morgan said. The waitress jotted it down, grabbed the menus off the table and nodded with a smile. She turned on her heels and walked away.

_Fettuccine alfrado is 1,220 calories._ Brendon noted. _Where does he keep it all?_

Morgan grabbed the pitcher of Sangria and poured some into a glass. He took a sip and set down the glass. "Spencer, I know something is up."

"I am fine," Spencer responded.

"No, you aren't." Morgan stated as he took another sip of Sangria.

Spencer grabbed his glass of water off the table and took a sip. It was nice to have something enter his body that was helping him, not making him gain weight. "I am great." Spencer lied through his teeth.

"Dammit Reid," Morgan growled. "no you're not. You don't think the team hasn't noticed? We can see you are losing weight, not eating and barely sleeping."

"I'm not a baby, you don't need to worry. I can take care of myself." Spencer snapped. "I asked you to dinner didn't I?"

Spencer had a point. "Well, yes, but I have a feeling you did just to get the team and I off your back." Morgan argued.

Spencer gulped. "No. I didn't."

Morgan gave him a chilling glare. "I can't help but think that you just don't want to work at the BAU anymore."

Spencer's mouth hung open. He couldn't understand how Morgan came to that conclusion. "How did you reach that conclusion?" Spencer said, saying his thoughts out loud.

"Being cranky at work, not wanting to be around us outside of work, this doesn't count, and keeping your distance at work." Morgan took another sip of Sangria.

"I've just been having bad days," Spencer said as he played with the perspiration on his glass of water.

Morgan shook his head. "I don't believe it."

Spencer pursed his lips and ran his hands over his hair, attempting to flatten it. "Fine, don't believe it, but nothing is going on. I am fine." Spencer asserted.

"Whatever," Morgan mumbled. He didn't want to fight anymore, he leaned back against his chair and looked away. He could see the waitress coming over with their food. She set down their food and told them if they needed anything to let her know. Spencer started fidgeting as he took small spoonfuls of soup, taking sips of water in between. Morgan watched him, he knew he needed to figure out what was going on, before it was too late.

* * *

e/n-I just had olive garden on Wednesday for dinner, i didn't get out of class till 9:15(my class was suppose to end at 8:50) . and my dad brought me home(he was on his way home from work and picked it up) Chicken & Gnocchi( I had it while i watched the new criminal minds episode...could there be a better way to spend the night?!And that episode,ugh so emotionally draining...). It's sooo good. I had to make Reid get. As for Morgan's car, Audis are my favorite...so I just pretended that it was Morgan's since all they really drive are the SUVs. Again, sorry this took so long! I hope the longer length of the chapter made up for it :)

**Oh and thank you guys for the reviews, faves and follows!** :)


	8. Snooping and Sangria:Part 2

After an hour and a half, Spencer finally finished his soup. The restaurant was starting to pick up, it was a tad bit louder and the idle sounds of chit chat and eating utensils clanking against plates filled the room. Spencer took a long sip of water, that soup was the most he had eaten in weeks.

Morgan had been watching him the whole time. He had a feeling he knew what was up, but didn't want to offend him by jumping to the conclusion. "Have some Sangria," Morgan offered as he poured the younger man a glass.

Spencer put his hand up,sending away the offer. "No thanks," Spencer politely declined. Morgan acted like he didn't hear him and set the drink in front of the younger agent. Spencer sighed at the drink. He felt like he was going to explode from all of the food pushing against his stomach lining. Morgan folded his hands together,propped his elbows on the table and rested his chin on his interlocked hands. He was watching Spencer, not blinking once. "You know I don't drink," Spencer reminded.

"I know, but one drink won't hurt you." Morgan noted.

_It will. _Brendon snorted.

Spencer looked away from the older agent. He could smell the garlic bread sticks at their table,he watched as a young couple sat at a table across the room. They looked so happy, they gazed into each others eyes, sitting across from each other. Their hands on top of the table, interlocked tightly, they sat on the edge of their seats, leaning as close as they could over the table. Spencer's eyes darted from them to another table. A group of friends, no older than 22, sat at a huge table; talking loudly, laughing and clinking glasses. Enjoying their youth. Spencer sighed as he looked back at the drink. He was contemplating whether or not to drink it. Since he barely had any food in his system, he would have to drink very slow or he would become intoxicated very quickly. He reached for the drink and put it to his lips. He took a small sip at first. The taste invigorated his taste buds, making them dance on his tongue. The drink was sweet, it tasted like lemonade and yet bitter from the brandy.

Spencer took another sip, this time a bigger sip. The drink slipped down into his stomach, and his stomach cheered in glee, the drink was even better a second time. Spencer smacked his lips together, his lips were tingling with excitement. "That actually isn't that bad," he admitted.

Morgan smirked, "I knew you'd like it,"

Spencer nodded with a smile as he took another sip of the drink, he wanted to pour the whole thing down his throat.

_You do know that it's just empty calories? _Brendon hissed in his ear.

Spencer ignored him, he just wanted to enjoy the moment and worry later. Spencer watched Morgan pour himself some more of the drink, he took a sip and set down his glass. "You know Reid, I think I know what your problem is."

Spencer shifted from happy to angry almost automatically, "What?" he spat.

Morgan looked at the younger man, trying to think carefully of what to say next. "I have come to the conclusion, that you have an eating disorder...or disorders."

Before thinking, Spencer grabbed his drink and threw it in the other agents face. "Here's my conclusion, say out of my business." Spencer hissed. He stood up from the table as fast as he could, his blood boiling with rage. He walked through the restaurant, dodging others as they walked by him or came anywhere near him. As he pushed open the front doors of the building, the cool night air hit his face, drying the tears forming in his eyes. He looked around, trying to decide what to do next. He decided to go left, there was a lot more stores and shops farther into the city.

Spencer could smell fresh baked cookies and pies. The smell was making him drool, so he followed the scent and it brought him to a small bakery. It was very cute, tiny, and they had their doors wide open, just waiting for people (like him) to get a whiff of their food. It had little chairs and tables set up,like a cafe. Spencer looked closer through the big squared window into the shop, people were in fact sipping on coffee and eating baked goods. Spencer decided to walk in, and the man behind the counter smiled at him.

"Hello, what can I get for you?" the man said in a thick Italian accent.

"Ummm..." Spencer said as his eyes scanned the glass covered shelves of cookies, brownies, cupcakes and more.

The man behind the counter smiled and said, "You take your time."

Spencer smiled and thanked him. The man walked away to see how the rest of his customers were doing.

_This will be a big mistake Spencey. _Brendon said as he leaned against the glass.

_Shut up. _ Spencer's thoughts immediately spat back.

Brendon shifted his weight onto his other foot. _Well, I guess this will show Morgan, huh? _ He said with a sly smile.

Spencer stood up from leaning over the glass case and walked over to the cash register. The man that was behind the counter before walked back over and stood behind the cash register. "What can I get for you, sir?"

Spencer opened the door to his apartment, bags of baked goods hanging from his arms as he walked, he shut the door with his foot, it slammed shut and glanced at his watch on his wrist, it was only about 8:30. He placed the bags down on the floor and went into his room. He grabbed a big container that was under his bed, he walked back into the living room and kneeled down on the floor next to the bags of food. He took out the smaller bags of food from the big bags they were placed in. He neatly folded the bags, making sure they were closed well enough and placed them in the container. The container was already filled with assorted foods, mostly candy like M&M's, milk duds and twix. Once he finished putting most of the goods away, he placed the lid back on the container and made sure it was sealed shut. He tried to pick it up, but failed, as the container was much too heavy for him.

Brendon laughed. _Man are you weak. _

Spencer drew in a deep breath from his nose and exhaled from his mouth. He stood up and pushed it with his foot, it slid almost half way down the hall. He walked to it and pushed it with his foot again. It slid and stopped right before his door. He walked over to it, got on his knees and pushed it into his room with his hands. It moved under his push and slid next to his bed. He got up, joints cracking as he did so. He winced, knowing it was from his lack of eating. He walked over to the container and pushed it under his bed with his foot. He thought for a moment, then spun around to go back into his living room. He was going to binge on some of the baked goods he had left out, then purge his guts out. It would fill the emptiness he had felt, it would only fill it for so long, but it was good enough for him. It was going to be a long night, that was going to make him forget about what Morgan had said. He didn't have an eating disorder. He was perfectly fine.

* * *

A/n- Sorry this took so long! I have been busy with work and got a second job. Plus i wanted to relax when I had time, I didn't want to push myself to write. I should have more up on Sunday. :)


	9. If you want to die

A/N- Sorry this took so long! I got another job and get tired when I come home from my shift. And now I'm sick...so that doesn't help either. I also had terrible writers block for this story and was mostly focusing on my other story. But doing that helped me, just trying not to think too much about it and freaking out that I wouldn't get it posted when I said I would. Cause hey, writer's block is a pain.

Thanks for all the reviews, faves and follows! Hope you guys like this chapter.

* * *

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

* * *

Spencer went to his kitchen, quickly grabbed a diet soda from his fridge and walked back into his living room. He sat down next to the food and hesitated.

_Do you really want do this? _Brendon asked.

"I...I don't know." Spencer said. He fiddled with his hands, trying to figure out if he should. He knew he would regret it if he did it. He started biting the tip of his thumb. "do I even need to do this?" He asked himself and Brendon.

_No, you don't. _Brendon replied.

Spencer ignored him. "I shouldn't...but I want to. I'm starving." Spencer was now off the floor and pacing around the room. Brendon was sitting in a chair near the coffee table. Just then, there was a knock on the door. Spencer ignored it. The knocking got harder, the person was now angrily pounding on the door.

"Reid!" He heard from the other side of the door.

Spencer looked up and sighed. He quickly grabbed the bag of baked goods and quickly set it in his kitchen. He walked back into the living room,unlocked the door and opened it. It was Morgan. "Yes?" Spencer said sounding annoyed. Morgan walked right into his apartment. "Sure, come right in," Spencer shut the door and leaned against it.

Morgan looked at the younger agent. He looked like a skeleton. Like he had not eaten in weeks. His face was sunken in, he had bags under his eyes, he was pale and his breathing was shallow. Morgan crossed his arms over his chest. "Reid, I know you have a problem."

" I have no such thing," Spencer said back. He kept his head turned away from Morgan.

"An estimated 10 to 15 percent of people with anorexia or bulimia are males." Morgan said.

Spencer still wouldn't look at him. "So?"

Morgan pursed his lips. " I know I don't want to see you be one of them that don't get help."

"If heaven's grief brings hell's rain,then I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday," Spencer said in a sad tone. Morgan watched the man, he still had his head turned facing the wall. Morgan knew that something was up. He used to be so perky and puppy like. Always up to fight and fight for good. But lately, it seemed like he was someone else. Like he was taken over by someone else. The boy he had met a few years ago was gone, in abyss of sadness. The world had swallowed him whole, from the cruelty and indecency he was faced with everyday.

Morgan's eyes narrowed at the man. "What's that from?" Morgan asked patiently.

Spencer sighed and he rolled his eyes,as if he was a 15 year old, telling his parents, "It's from a song."

Morgan nodded once, "Spencer, I'm not going to push you. If you want to die," Morgan's voice cracked when he said 'die'. "then that's fine. But don't say I didn't try to help you." the agent said in a cold tone.

Spencer swallowed, trying to keep himself from breaking his composure. "I don't need help." he remarked.

Morgan threw his hands up in the air, surrendering. "Fine," he spat as his arms fell to his sides.

Spencer pushed his back off of the front door, he pointed at the door and looked at Morgan. His lips were pursed together, eyes were narrow. Morgan hastily walked to the door opened it and slammed it behind him.

_You better not cry. _Brendon hissed in his ear. Spencer quickly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

* * *

"Hotch, we have to do something," Morgan told his boss in his office,back at the BAU. Hotchner was still working, like always. Morgan was sitting in a chair, across from Hotchner at his desk.

Aaron Hotchner rubbed this bridge of his nose with his index finger and thumb. " I know we do," he agreed as took his fingers off his nose and looked up at the agent. Morgan could see he looked tired, even more so than usual. Hotch saw that Morgan was angry and couldn't stand seeing his best friend going through what he was.

"He won't listen to me," Morgan explained. " he is in a state of delusion that he is fine."

Hotch sighed, " That's a sign that he's not."

Morgan nodded in agreement. "I just...I want him to get help, but he won't let me. But if we force him, he will hate us...he will hate me." Morgan mumbled.

"If we do interfere, and there is nothing wrong, then he will never trust us."

Morgan sighed, trying to keep himself from turning the sigh into a scream. "I can't just sit around and wait for him to die."

"We won't have to, we will just have to keep an eye on him, and if we see something suspicious, then we can take action."

"But Hotch," Morgan retorted.

Hotch put up his index finger. "Morgan, we can't do much right now. If something happened and this is just a way to cope, we have to keep some distance, we can't treat him like a child." Hotch said in a stern voice. "We can't force him or he will just push us away completely."

Morgan sighed, he hated this feeling. Knowing that something was wrong, and not being able to do anything.

* * *

Back at Spencer's apartment,he was now sitting on the floor of his apartment and he was already halfway through the bag of baked goods. Shoveling them down his throat as he could feel his stomach stretching. He kept wishing he could get rid of this feeling, no matter how much he kept trying to fill the emptiness and pain it just wouldn't fill.

"What...what is wrong with me?" Spencer asked Brendon as he took a big bite into a cookie.

_Well, I think it's that you feel alone. You put your mother in a loony bin..._

"It was a Sanitarium." He defended.

_Right whatever, but you feel guilty about that. And about how you never talk to your dad, even though you know he's still in Vegas. You got bullied as a kid, your parent's never had time to worry about you. You were pushed aside. _

Spencer continued to shove the food down his throat. His stomach stretching more and more as the food filled his stomach. "And now I'm pushing down all those feelings." He said in between bites. "I can't believe how stupid I am."

_You are quite stupid._ Brendon informed.

Spencer continued his binge,taking swigs of diet soda in between big bites,and tears forming in his eyes as he ate. He hated himself, he hated everything. He hated how he was lying to the only people that cared about him, how he hated the person that stared back at him in a mirror and how he didn't even know who that man was anymore. He stayed up until the early morning, working out at a gym that was open twenty four hours a day. He was never happy with himself, there was always room for improvement and he always needed to be improved.

Once Spencer realized the food was gone, he shot up from the floor and ran to the bathroom. He stuck his two fingers down his throat and the food came up instantly. He choked out the food, trying to get as much out as he could in one purge.

About twenty minutes later, he finished his purging. His fingers were dressed with saliva, purged food and stomach acid. He flushed the toilet, watching the food swirl around and disappear. He walked over to the sink and washed the guilt off his fingers. Once he finished, he opened one of the drawers and pulled out a razor blade.

_Do it._ Brendon commanded.

Spencer put the cold blade to his skin, it gave him goosebumps. The razor dug into his skin, bright red blood oozed from his skin. He did it again, once, twice, three more times. Blood dripping down his arm to his elbow. He watched as the blood trickled down, the blood was warm and the smell of iron hit his nose. Spencer set down the bloody razor blade and grabbed some toilet paper. He pressed down on his wounds with the toilet paper, the pressure was making his wounds sting with pain.

Spencer went into his room, he sat down on the floor, knees to his chest. He started to feel faint, he hated to admit it, but he felt so empty still, so empty he wanted to die. Spencer bit his bottom lip, shutting his eyes tightly, and he started to rock back and forth. Keeping the toilet paper pressed to his bloody wounds.

_You can get through this. This is just one bad day. You can't let that ruin all of your progress. _Brendon whispered. He set a hand on Spencer's shoulder, trying to comfort him. _ Right now, yeah it seems bad. But it will get better, easier, to do this. Trust me. _

Spencer continued to rock back and forth. "Go away," he commanded through gritted teeth.

_Fine, I'll go. But sooner or later, you'll be begging for me to come back. _

Spencer opened his eye, he was alone. Brendon had disappeared. A wave of fear washed over him. He was really alone now. He wasn't sure what he was going to do. Brendon was his only real friend, even though he wasn't actually real.

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An excellent man; he has no enemies; and none of his friends like him.-**Oscar Wilde**

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E/N- hope you guys liked it! I shall have more up soon! (i'm not going to say a day,so i don't drive myself nuts lol) The song that line was from was 'just one yesterday' by fall out boy. In case any of you were wondering. PLEASE REVIEW! Thanks!


	10. Just go get me a salad

A/N-I know nothing about the medical aspects of this chapter. I did some quick research and that was it. I tried my best with it, so if i got any of it wrong, remember I am not a doctor (nor do i play one on T.V) Sorry this took so very long. I almost didn't realize it had almost been a month since my last chapter! My writing has taken a backseat because of work. But I promise I'll write more when ever i get a moment of free time.

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I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.-Louis C. K.

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Spencer awoke the next morning, his eyes taking sometime to adjust to the light shining in through his window. He sat up, pushed back the covers of his bed and stretched. He felt peaceful this morning, knowing that Brendon wasn't anywhere to be found. If he knew it was this easy to get rid of him, he would have done it much sooner.

He swung his legs over the bed and stood up. The room was starting to spin. Spencer quickly placed his hand on the side table, trying to keep himself propped up from passing out. He closed his eyes waiting for the spinning to stop. The spinning subsided after a few minutes, he opened his eyes and Spencer straighten up. He shuffled to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. He took a few quick sips and set down the glass. The water was hurting his stomach, making him nauseated. The water was heavy and weighing down his stomach. He narrowed his eyes at the glass, as if it was the enemy.

Spencer sighed at himself as he shuffled back into his bedroom to get ready for work. Spencer grabbed a pair of pants, a tie and a shirt. He slipped off his pajama bottoms and slipped on his pants. They had gotten quite big on him, but he shrugged as he would just tighten his belt. He put on his shirt, and that was oddly big on him as well. He stuffed his shirt into his pants and buckled his belt as tight as he could. He put on a tie and shivered, realizing he was going to get cold with a short sleeved shirt on. He went into his closet and grabbed a cardigan. He didn't bother to look in the mirror again, he knew he would just regret it. He grabbed his messenger bag and headed out the door of his apartment. He locked the door behind him, quickly made his way down the stairs and out of the apartment building.

* * *

"Good morning," Spencer sang as he entered the bullpen. His team turned to face him, their smiles quickly faded from their faces, then reappeared as though nothing distracted them.

"Morning," Penelope said, not in her usual bubbly had a perplexed look on his face.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Reid, I need to see you in my office." Hotch said.

"Okay," he said slowly as he followed his superior. They walked up the steps and headed into his office.

"Take a seat, please." Hotch said as he shut the door behind him. Spencer walked over to the two seats in front of Hotch's desk and sat down. Hotchner walked over and sat down at his desk.

"Am I in trouble?" Spencer asked quietly.

"No," Hotch said with a smirk,it was a rare moment when Aaron Hotchner had anything but a serious look on his face. His smirk faded fast. "A member of the team has informed me that you haven't been taking care of yourself."

Spencer looked down at his feet then back up at Hotch. "I'm fine."

"No you're not. You look pale, your pants are big and baggy on you and you look like you can barely stand." Hotch informed. "We think it's in your best interest to either have one of us stay with you, or to put you in a rehabilitation center."

Spencer shot up out of his chair. "My best interest? I'm fine, you guys are freaking out over nothing."

"No, we are trying to help you." He heard JJ's voice from behind him. Spencer turned to see the rest of the team standing in the room.

"I don't need help!" Spencer shouted as he brushed past his team and headed out the door. No one went after him, they knew it was pointless to. Spencer shot out of the bullpen and headed to the entered the bathroom,he paced back and forth. He wanted to scream at how controlling his team was. How you couldn't do anything on the team without someone profiling you or catching onto you. Spencer took some in some deep breaths, slowly letting them out. He lightly shook his head as he headed out of the bathroom, stormed into the bullpen and made his way into the round room. He sat down among the rest of the team as Penelope started the briefing.

"Three women have been found in Minnesota,at various dump sites." Penelope pressed the remote, showing the three women on the screen, then them in crime scene photos. "They were sexually abused, each had thirty stab wounds and they had a piece of hair missing. The creepy part is each of them had many teeth and bones removed. As well as many types of injection sites on their skin."

"The unsub must be using them as test subjects," Spencer said.

"For what?" Rossi asked.

Spencer shifted in his seat, "He could be using them to test bone cancer. He many have cancer himself. He may have found his own way to try and cure it."

"Why would he sexually abuse them though?" Prentiss questioned.

"He could have had a spouse or girlfriend die from bone cancer, maybe he's using these girls as surrogates." Morgan said.

"The unsub has been killing every three days...tomorrow he will kill again...the local P.D wants us to get there as soon as possible." JJ said.

"So that means wheels up in twenty," Hotch said as he hastily stood up from his seat and headed out of the room.

The rest of the team gathered their things and headed out of the round room. Spencer stood up from his seat, he felt dizzy again.

Morgan took notice and said, "You okay Reid?" He asked.

Spencer nodded. "I stood up too fast," he assured as he shook off the dizziness.

"If you say so," Morgan said. Spencer headed out of the room and down the steps, and out of the bullpen.

Once the team landed, they headed to the local P.D. They got settled in and had Prentiss and Reid check out the M.E. The rest of the team to talk to the latest victims families. Prentiss and Reid made it to the M.E. They looked closely at the bodies, as the M.E gave her report.

"They had various amounts of sedatives their blood streams."

"He must have put them under, taken their teeth or bones and then stabbed them?" Prentiss questioned.

"Sedatives are used to subside pain, it doesn't make the pain go away completely, he must have used a tranquilizer to calm them down from fighting back. That way he could take their teeth and bones...but blood..."

"Blood?" Prentiss asked.

"Did they have all their blood?" Spencer asked the M.E.

"Yes, most of it, I did find stitching above the removed bones."

"He must have done so then stabbed them." Prentiss suggested.

"He could have just taken the bone marrow, why take the whole bone?" Spencer pondered. He thought for a few moments. "He's incompetent,he's experimenting," Spencer said.

"If he was smart he would have killed them then taken their bones, not the other way around." Prentiss said.  
"Maybe it's a fantasy, think about it, he had a spouse or girlfriend, they took out her bone tumor and if she died on the table..."

"He's making them suffer without their bones..."

* * *

Back at local P.D the team went over their findings. Spencer was standing looking at the clues that were taped to a board. The room started spinning again. Spencer tightly closed his eyes.

"Reid?" He heard. He opened his eyes and turned to see Rossi, standing there with a look of confusion and concern on his face.

"Yes," Spencer answered.

"Just making sure you're okay," he said slowly as he made his way out of the room. Spencer turned his attention back to the board. The room started spinning again, Spencer stumbled out of the room and to the closest bathroom. He locked the door behind him, he stumbled over to a sink and propped himself up on the sink. He felt himself slip from the sink and fall to the floor, everything turning dark.

"Spencer."He faintly heard, the yelling got louder as he gained consciousness. He could feel himself fading fast again, he closed his eyes and the yelling slowly faded.

Spencer awoke again, this time on the couch of the P.D. He sat up as he looked around, and the team rushed to him. "What happened?" He asked.

"You passed out," Prentiss told him.

Spencer looked over at Hotchner, his arms were folded across his chest, and a scold was on face. "When we get back, Morgan is staying with you, for four days a week. And unannounced visits from him on days he is not there."

"Hotch, I..."

Hotch put up a finger, "There is no discussing it. This is for you and your well-being . Or would you rather go into a rehab center?"

Spencer sighed, "No sir."

"Good, now go eat something, anything." He pleaded.

"Right,"Spencer said as he slowly stood up. The rest of the team dispersed from the room. Spencer sighed as he walked out of the room.

Morgan walked up to him and said, "What do you want for a meal?" He asked.

"I can get it," Spencer smirked innocently.

Morgan shook his head, "No, I'll go get it. I'm getting the rest of the team food anyways."

"Salad...salad is fine,"

Morgan lightly laughed, "In all of the years I've known you, I've never seen eat a salad."

Spencer shot Morgan a blank stare, he blinked at him a few times,"Just go get me a salad." he said in an unamused tone.

Morgan chuckled, "Alright, alright. I'm going," Morgan turned on his heels and walked out of the Police department.

Morgan returned about a half an hour later, he made sure one of the local police officers came with him, so he wouldn't get lost but he told everyone it was so he could remember what everyone wanted. Morgan entered the room with the teams food, he set down the bags and everyone grabbed their containers of food, except for Spencer. He sat there, his chin propped up on his hand and his elbow sitting on the armrest of an office chair.

_Eat._ Morgan mouthed at him.

Spencer sighed and got up out of the chair. He walked over to the table, pulled out a chair, snatched his container of salad off the table and sat down. He placed the container in front of him, took off the lid and lightly dressed vinaigrette on the salad. Spencer grabbed a plastic fork off the table, stuck the fork into the salad and put the fork in his mouth. He slowly chewed, he could feel the eyes of his team on him, watching his every move. He looked up, everyone quickly looked away from him,trying to pretend they weren't just staring at him a moment ago.

"Water?" Morgan said, he was standing next to him, holding out a bottle of water.

Spencer snatched it from him, unscrewed the lid and took a sip. "Thanks," Spencer mumbled. He really wished Brendon would show up, talk him out of making the mistake of eating, but what choice did he have? Spencer screwed the lid back on the bottled water and slammed the bottle on the table in frustration. He needed someone to understand his pain and suffering that he was battling with inside his mind. It was like he was losing a battle against himself, a battle he knew that no matter how much someone helped, he was going to lose.

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Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.-Ernest Hemingway

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A/N- I'm starting the next chapter as I write this author's note! Thanks for the reviews from the last chapter,they are great and make me very happy! Keep them coming! You guys rock and I'm glad everyone is enjoying this story(no matter how messed up it may be sometimes).


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